So here I am, getting closer to the big push and big move to Zambia. And now it's all about the funds. So, today I was asking myself--why aren't they coming?
I was having this little chat with God about how it's His project and therefore I know He can make all the necessary money come in--so why hasn't it? Why am going through this frustrating process?
Let me tell you what it feels like. First of all, as a Canadian, we don't tend to ask for help or money very often. I don't think we are a culture of looking to others for help. The only person I've really ever borrowed money from is my Dad (thank goodness he helped me again and again), but even with this, it made me feel like a failure, needy and unable to get it together enough to take care of myself. That's just the asking part.
Then there's the response. People might say yes, no or we're already giving what we can. All of these are valid of course--and I'm happy to hear that people are giving to other causes, but it can be discouraging and even feel like rejection.
What's the point of all this? It's not to instill guilt, but it's to answer my question of why hasn't the money come yet? I believe it's this. As I did my soul searching and wrestled with my frustration, I realized that this is what people who have little go through all the time. When people have to beg for food or money, they have to ask for help and depend on others. This is often associated with feelings of disappointment, failure and rejection. And still, I only have a small understanding still because I'm not trying to get money or food to survive, it is only in order to follow my dreams and passions.
I am thankful for this process. I am thankful that by going through this, I can better understand people in need and the people I want to serve. I am thankful that I am learning to rely on others and that my provision comes from God and in His time--it's giving me that extra bit of empathy for those that have to ask for help, support and money.
26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life
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